


Thru these tears

by Anonymous



Series: time after time [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up, M/M, Pining, Secret Relationship, Songfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-07-28 18:57:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16247813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Driving home on an empty highway, I thought about you, and I hit the brakes. What we had and who we were was so clear, but right now, I can't see nothing through these tears.





	1. July

**Author's Note:**

> [LANY – Thru These Tears](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkWTuvdFbJI)

 

It's been eleven months now, nearly a year since they're officially going out.

Their relationship isn't always full of rainbow and butterflies.

The one thing that always bothers Jaebeom is the fact they need to keep it hush-hush around Jinyoung parents.

Jaebeom knows, Jinyoung told him, how bad his parents react on the news of the three-day _Seoul Queer_ Culture Festival.

One big obstacle that they need to face together. Sooner or later. 

 

***

 

It's probably not a big deal for some people; but for both of them, going on dates without constantly looking at their backs is a luxury.

So, every time Jinyoung's parents were out of town; He wastes no time but to go on dates with him.

From morning to the evening, they were always beside each other. 

He feels loved and secure, so much, that sometimes it feels like his heart can barely contain it.

 

*** 

 

"My sisters are annoying," Jinyoung whined as he wrapped himself into Jaebeom arms.

"Hm?" Jaebeom hummed.

"They found me makes funny faces when I'm texting you. I say it was from a friend, but they tease me even more." he sighed.

"Then they told me to bring my girlfriend home or something along those lines."

"So? Will you?" Jaebeom asks warily.

Jinyoung laughs, "Silly, hyung. Why would I do that? I got no girlfriend, I only have a boyfriend."

"Oh? You are?" Jaebeom smirked, an eyebrow rose in interest.

Jinyoung nods cheerfully, "He is handsome. He is good to me. And, he makes me happy."

Jaebeom eyes glittered at that, an idea brought a mischievous smile to his lips, "So, who's the lucky guy?"

"You! Lim Jaebeom." Jinyoung grinned, the large dimple on his right cheeks appeared. 

_Shit. Jinyoung looks so beautiful. And, He is completely smitten over every little things about him._

It takes him a few moments to shake himself out of it, ears redden a bit.

He pulls Jinyoung closer on to his embrace and says, "Stop being so cute, Jinyoung. It isn't that good for my heart."

Jinyoung laughs at his comment, a look of challenge in his gaze, "Huh? What will you do then, Lim Jaebeom-ssi?"

"Nothing." He smiles bashfully then in a thin whisper said, "Love you so much." 

He planted a lingering kiss on Jinyoung lips. 

 

***

 

Ever since his sister started teasing him, Jinyoung tends to be more careful around Jaebeom.

It's getting even worse if his parents were in town.

Jaebeom felt Jinyoung treating him like an infectious disease that needed to be avoided. _He was frustrated._

 _You know I didn't mean it like that_ , Jinyoung said. Jaebeom tried to his best to control his ego, he really is.

He lost it the moment Jinyoung decides to fetch a ride home with Jackson instead of him. 

Jaebeom shouts _fuck_ out of loud, slams shut his car door and droves away from them. _It was so unfair_.

 

**Driving home on an empty highway**

**I thought about you and I hit the brakes**

**What we had and who we were was so clear**

**But right now I can't see nothing through these tears**

 

***

 

Jinyoung apologized. He promises that he will try not to be too paranoid anymore, but he still does it again and again.

They are stuck in an endless circle, and Jaebeom starts to get tired of it.

 

***

 

It happened out of nowhere; like a fire without smoke.

Jaebeom was about to go to sleep when one message pop-up on his phone. It’s from Jinyoung, “Can I call you?”

He replied quickly, “Yeah” feeling giddy from the thought of spending more time with Jinyoung fills up his mind.

His phone light up a moment later, a call from Jinyoung.

“Hi, Jinyoungie~” Jaebeom greets cheerfully.

There was like a beat or two of silence until Jinyoung replied “Jaebeom hyung...” his tone was too serious.

“Mom found out...” Jinyoung’s sounds like he lost his voice at the end of the sentences; but even when he didn’t say them, Jaebeom can still hear the unsaid _about us_ echoing in his ears.

_Mom found about us about us about us about us about us us us us._

The time has come. Tears stung his eyes and clouded his thoughts. It became waterfalls the moment Jinyoung drop the next bomb.

“She said we need to broke up tonight, or...” Jinyoung sobbed between the words “or she will tell my dad. I’m sorry, Jaebeom hyung, I tried to convince my mom, but it’s no use.”

Jaebeom heart breaks the moment he heard it. He knows how awfully strict Jinyoung’s dad is and if he learns the truth, he’ll only giving Jinyoung a hard time.

“It’s really the end, isn’t it?” He asked dryly, lips quivered and trembled. 

Yet Jinyoung’s silence said volumes.

Then he added, “It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, Jinyoung.” 

“Yes,” Jinyoung choked out. “I’m- I’m breaking up with you.”

He takes a deep breath right then and there, exasperation clear in his tone, “Okay. I understand.”

He could hear Jinyoung’s anguished sobs through the phone, “Sorry... hyung, I am really... really sorry for being selfish. I don’t deserve you.” 

Jaebeom frowns,  _what kind of shit is Jinyoung saying now?_

“No.” His tone firm. “No one deserves me more than I deserve you.”

“Still, I’m the one who says we will get through this together but then it also me who give up first.”

Once again he sighed deeply, “We already know from the beginning that it’ll happen to us. We both signed up for this, Jinyoung-ah; so, stop blaming yourself.”

They fall into a silence but as it became uncomfortable he asks, “Can I ask you a favor, though?”

“Hm,” Jinyoung hummed.

“Can we stay as a friend?” Jaebeom asked.

“Yes,  _she_ , mom said it’s okay.”

 _I want your answer though_ , but the thought buried as his phone screen lighten up, alarming the low battery.

“Good night, hyung,” Jinyoung whispered, “I love you and I’m sorry.”

“Me too” Jaebeom answered quietly then sighed, mentally and emotionally too drained from the sudden turn of events.

Jaebeom cried himself to sleep that night.

 

**This hurts like hell**

**But I keep telling myself**

**It's gonna get better**

 

***

 

**But it's taking forever**

 


	2. August

**I tried to go out**

**But every time I leave the house**

**Something reminds me**

**Of what's now behind me**

 

Jaebeom's mom learns about the breaks up a week after it happened. He cried on his mother warm embrace, pouring out the bottled up emotions. For the eleven months of a relationship that long gone now.

Jinyoung is his first love. His first serious relationship. And, also his first heartbreaks. It feels surreal how eleven months ago, he still can freely hold Jinyoung hands; but now, he can't even do it anymore.

 

***

 

Jaebeom finds it difficult to restart their relationship. Sure, he was the one who proposed the idea of going back to square one, to the point when they’re friends. To the times when his heart didn’t rush over him.

Jinyoung is on other hands though, he seems to have returned to that times. He acts like nothing is wrong. As if he doesn’t recognize the growing black circle below Jaebeom eyes. As if he can’t see how Jaebeom sighed every once and then.  _How can you smile like that when I’m in pain?_ 

Jaebeom was so dumbfounded that all he can do is laugh. He wishes Jinyoung wear his heart on sleeves like him too, so he knows that he’s not the only ones suffering. Then again, everyone's coping system is different. Moreover, Jinyoung was and still is the better actor between them. 

  

***

 

Sometimes there come a day where he felt there's a big invisible wall between them. It's just so hard, to hold a normal conversation with him, to greet him, to spell his name without a lingering bitter taste in his mouth.

On this kind of day, he noticed the way Jinyoung acts all cold to him. Every so often, he wonders if there's an eraser in Jinyoung's head. The one that makes him unseen and void in Jinyoung eyes, and maybe, from his mind too.

Perhaps he really is a fool, but letting go their bond is something that he can't do.  _I'll be okay. As long as I can still see you._

Again that night, he wakes up with a trace of tears on his cheeks. 

 

*** 

 

For some reason, on the 3rd weeks of August, he decides to stop feeling sorry for himself. So, here he is; ended up riding shotgun in Mark's car, with Bambam in the back.

"Glad, you're finally out from the cave hyung." Bambam grinned.

Jaebeom frowned and throw a glance at the younger, "I'm not always at the house, you know."

"Your defense is rejected." Mark added, "Our very trusted source said you go nowhere but uni, home, or your studio."

The youngest nodded frantically, "Yeah, yeah, you can't fool us hyung."

"At least, I'm doing something productive." He mumbled then, "Where we are going though? I swear if you guys set me up on blind da-"

"No." Mark groaned, “The answer is a no for whatever ridiculous things that go on your mind."

"Just something light and fun, hyung. You'll know when we reach there."

Bambam smile reassures him a bit.

"Put a little bit of trust on us, why don't you?”

 

***

  

"Cinema? Really?"

"I said it was something light, didn't it? Plus I haven't watched gonjiam, so it's a win-win situation." The youngest grinned.

Mark tapped his shoulder, "Stop being a grumpy old man, Jaebeom. And, please just do us a favor by buying a bucket of caramel popcorn over there."

"Hyung!" he looked back, "A coke for me!"

He groaned,  _why am I doing this again?_

 

Halfway through the movie, his mind wanders off to the memories of him and Jinyoung.

It feels like just a few days ago that he would be sitting beside where he once was. Holding his hand and whispering to his ear whenever the ghost disappeared from the screen. It's so endearing though, how sometimes Jinyoung was hiding behind his back or the way he grips his hand so hard as if his life depended on it. At times, it makes his skin to turn red for another hour, but Jaebeom doesn’t mind it. 

_“I’ve never watched horror movies in the past,”_

_“Really?_

_“It’s just kind of happened.” Jinyoung shrugged, “What if I can’t handle it?”_

_“Then just hold my hand because I’ll be always there. Beside you.”_

 

***

 

“Jaebeom it’s been a while since ... you know ugh.” Mark looks restless in his seat.

“Broke up," Jaebeom said bluntly, "You can say it to my face. I don’t mind.”

“Yes, that...I’m sorry. I never good at this kind of thing." Mark nudged the youngest asking for help.

"It's okay. I need to get it out of my chest anyway" 

A shot of drink, “It just- I used to say I’ll not date anyone before I’m graduated, you know? And, on our first day, he asked me why him out of all people?" The alcohol burned through his throat, "And, I told him I don’t want to lose my chance, but in the end, I still lost him.”

“...hyung.”

“Sometimes I wonder though, will it be different if one of us were born as the opposite gender? Or if his parents not as conservative as they were now?”

Mark offers an encouraging smile, “But if it really happened then it’s not a story of the two of you anymore, didn’t it?”

“I guess.” Then he looked at the red dish in front of him and somehow he can hear Jinyoung nagged at him.

_I don't understand how people enjoy an extra spicy food. I meant if it’s spicy, the spiciness must be within a reason, no?_

He can remember the way he spelled each word, the way he lips turn into a cute little pout, and every little thing about him.

Memories of Jinyoung never quite leave him alone.  Jinyoung's always there... in everything he does, in every place he was, and in his dream, or even in every breath he takes.

At that moment, Jaebeom realized then, it doesn’t feel like the pain is going to disappear anytime soon.

_I miss you so much that it feels like I’ll get suffocated any minutes._

 

***

 

_I wish you were as miserable as I am._


End file.
